How free are we to choose our friends? Our existing and non-existent friendships impact and reinforce social hierarchies. This is particularly relevant for people in need of new friends, such as those who have migrated. Drawing on her field research, Johanna Bastian examines the circumstances that facilitate, complicate, or hinder friendships within the context of migration.
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Friendships are commonly understood as intimate relations, based on shared sympathy which we enter by choice. Yet, we never just have friends. Whom we become friends with depends on the places we frequent, the networks we are part of and the resources we have to nurture connections. In short, the friendships we have and the friendships we don’t have are indicative of the social orders we live in. At the same time, friendships are important to experience belonging and can subvert existing social hierarchies. With this article, I draw attention to how societal orders shape friendships in the context of migration and arrival.
Chosen rather than given?
Friendships have long been the topic of popular culture, artistic engagement, and philosophical thought. They are part of most people’s social networks and, with the reports on loneliness increasing, even discussed in the political realm. So, what makes them interesting? Unlike family, we can choose whom we want to be friends with. They are voluntary relations based on sympathy, shared interest, and trust. In contrast to romantic relationships, friendships are not institutionalized and more adaptable. They are not free from expectations but to a much lesser extend tied to biographical milestones such as marriage or starting a family.
The importance of friendship is well-documented in sociological and anthropological research. Like family and romantic relationships, friendships impact our well-being, sense of belonging, and life opportunities. Because friendships are less formal, they allow for greater freedom in forming relationships. Additionally, friendship networks are often more adaptable to different life situations. Last but not least, forming friendships with different people fosters a sense of belonging and social cohesion.
However, although becoming friends with someone is a choice, it’s not one we can make unconditionally. After all, we cannot be friends with just anyone. It is therefore important to take a closer look at the conditions under which we can form friendships.
Conditions of friendships
Becoming friends with someone involves more than just coincidentally meeting other people. It depends on the places we frequent, who introduces us to others, how much time we can spend outside the house, and whether we have a home to welcome people into. In short, our friendships are impacted by social, cultural, and material resources, as well as shaped by aspects such as gender, class, race, age, and abilities. These resources are unequally distributed, and for socially marginalized people especially, the friendships that are or are not possible impact access, inclusion, and belonging.
The people we are friends with reflect who we are as well as who we aspire to be. Friendships and friendly encounters are sometimes seen as relations through which social circles can be diversified. Yet friendship circles are often built on the concept of homophily, best summarized as “birds of a feather flock together”. Heterophily, in contrast, describes relationships with people who differ from us. Both are recognized to be important for well-being and social inclusion. In reality, people tend to have largely homogenous friendship circles. Friendships thus often mirror and manifest the social status quo and hierarchies, rather than offering opportunities for new social configurations with people who differ in their experiences and outlooks.
Two perspectives have shaped my own understanding of friendships. First, a spatial one. Friendships take place. People meet each other in parks and cafés, their workplaces and in schools, on messenger apps and video calls. Looking closer at the ‘where’ of friendships can reveal a great deal about access to different places and parts of society. Second, friendships are a social practice. Friendships need to be enacted, they need doing. Unlike family relations, they do not exist as a given (even though for family relations this might not always be true either). Because of their chosen and more fluid nature, the cultivation of friendships needs active considerations and work. In changing life contexts, such as migration, both the spatial perspective and the active work of building friendships become especially relevant.
Migration as a politicized and conditional context for friendships
So, what does the conditionality of friendship mean for people with migration experience? First, as Darya Malyutina points out, there is no “one-size-fits-all explanation of migrants’ friendships,” just as there is no single form of migration. Migration is an umbrella term covering a wide range of mobility motivations and experiences. Moreover, it is a politicized term, implying human movement that needs to be governed within nation-state context. What connects different migration experience however, is that migration comes with changing legal and social status: The certificate I obtained in another country might not be transferable and the large friendship network I had is suddenly hundreds of kilometers away. The language I can communicate in comfortably is not being understood and the activities and customs that structured my relations are not taking place anymore.
Anyone who has moved has encountered the challenge of rebuilding and rearranging social networks. In the context of migration, however, friendships can be a particularly important resource for settling in and understanding a new place. Friendships can provide practical information about local processes and their nuances. They also offer emotional support. Feeling understood and welcomed are equally important. All of these benefits can be found in relationships with people who share similar experiences or who are open to empathy.
At the same time, barriers to meeting new people and making friends can create a sense of not belonging and being excluded from society. Furthermore, friendships with locals are often seen as a sign of ‘successful integration,’ creating implicit expectations and pressure. Thus, finding new friends becomes a challenging task that depends on access to and activation of individual resources.
Friendships in motion
Two examples from my research illustrate how the structural conditions of migration impact the experience of friendships and how they can be fostered. The first concerns the legal status.
In my research, I spoke with a range of young people who have come to Berlin from all over the world and under different legal status. Especially young people with a ‘Duldung’ status (German for ‘tolerance’) reported a lot of uncertainty and stress. Although they were temporarily suspended from deportation, their legal status could be revoked at any time. Their living arrangements were provisional, often involving shared accommodations, and their prospects for the future were tied to finishing their education. While often having come to Germany on their own or only with their immediate family, my interview partners were careful to extend their social networks. A common concern was to avoid becoming friends with ‘the wrong’ people. They felt that their friendships, just as every other aspect of their lives in Germany, needed to be perfect. Not having a place of their own was an additional challenge. My interview partners described how they lacked a private space to invite potential friends. Their relations thus could not move beyond semi-private or public spaces which complicated the forging of deeper relations. Language barriers or living at the outskirts of the city, far away from leisure activities, presented further obstacles.
The second example illustrates how, in addition to the legal status, being positioned as a ‘migrant’ in different social contexts impacts friendships. People who have a work or student visa are often racialized or migranticized as ‘others’ in German society, finding it hard to access existing friendship groups. In addition, they also need to renegotiate their position in relation to old friends. Migration for work or education is implicitly linked to success, independence, and a global lifestyle. This in turn poses high demands on idealized friendship networks: they should include international as well as also local friends, signifying international orientation and local embeddedness at the same time.
This ideal image, however, often clashes with reality. My interview partners were continuing their education or advancing their career, learning German and navigating emerging adulthood abroad. Often, they struggled to align their ambitions with the reality of life in Germany. Conveying this shifting positioning to friends back home frequently proved challenging, especially if their migration was initially perceived as a big achievement. Geographical distance added to the feeling of detachment. At the same time, becoming friends with locals was often experienced as “hard work.” Aspects such as language, meeting people outside of professional contexts or translating humor and other friendship practices were mentioned.
The societal potential of friendship
So, how free are we to choose our friends? The friendships we have and the ones we don’t have are impacted by and reinforce social hierarchies. This is especially salient for people who are in need of new friendships, as it is often the case after migration.
However, my research also aims to highlight the potential of being friends with others. Friendships can be a source of belonging and support, especially in changing life circumstances. Friends can bring us in touch with other lived experiences, ideas, other worlds. They can subvert or at least question existing orders, contribute to social cohesion and offer ways of caring for each other beyond and in addition to family and formal kin. As a society, we should care about the opportunity structures that enable and hinder friendships, especially for people who are minoritized in different ways.